New Year’s Non-Resolution Resolutions

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It’s the last day of 2015 and a new year is just a few hours away.  Recently I asked several people if they made New Year’s Resolutions to improve their lives each year and if they did, did they keep them?  Almost everyone said they made a resolution but had never kept one!  That got me thinking.  If we always break our resolutions, why not make some Non-Resolution Resolutions?  You know, use a little reverse psychology on ourselves and make some resolutions that, when we break them (which we are likely to do), it will actually be good for us!

So here are a few of my Non-Resolution Resolutions for 2016:  

I hereby Non-Resolve Resolve to ….

Be Less Healthy –  That’s right.  I’m going to gain weight, take up heavy drinking, eat only sugar and never exercise.

Not Read My Bible Every Day — Nope.  Not me.  I’m not opening my Bible every day to hear directly from God.  Who would want to do that?

Be Mean to My Wife and Kids — I’m going to be a terrible family man and a poor spiritual leader.  I’m going to fail to provide for them or protect them.  I will never encourage them or forgive them either.  They are the ones who are lucky to have me.

Not Give Regularly to My Church or Charity — No way. I’m going to feed my greed and hoard my money (or spend it on extravagant stuff that I don’t really need).  Why not?  It’s all mine anyway.

Be an Absent Friend — Who needs friends anyway?  Why would I ever help anyone else?  I’m going off the grid of friendship.

Hold Lots of Grudges — I’m mad and I’m not going to take it anymore!  I will never forgive anyone for anything, no matter how small and no matter what it does to my relationship with them or to my own emotional and physical health.

Never Read Anything — I’m giving up on reading.  No books.  No articles.  No blogs.  I’m already smart and wise enough, why would I try to improve by reading?

Watch More Mindless T.V. Shows — I will spend every free hour I have (when I’m not spending my money on stuff for me) sitting on my couch in front of my big T.V. and endlessly watching reruns of Oprah, Dr. Phil and Jerry Springer. I might throw some binges on something with vampires or zombies too.

Never Pray — Not once will I pray.  Not for guidance or gratitude.  Not for help or forgiveness.  Not for understanding.  Nope.  Not once will I speak to God all year.

Well, those are my 2016 Non-Resolution Resolutions.  I think when I break these (which I am certain to do since I never keep my New Year’s Resolutions), I’ll have a pretty good year and so will those around me!

Happy New Year!